Academic writing practice for IELTS-Task 1-Test 1

aqua wrote:And here is my first writing. Help me to correct it or give me any comment. Thank you so much.

The bar chart shows the survey result about factors motivating people to succeed, which is collected from young professionals aged 20-30 years.

As being seen from the chart, the most striking feature is that personal satisfaction and ambition come top on the list of 11 factors with 80% of respondents who include these as motivation(s) for them to be successful. These 2 factors are followed closely by family pressure and pressure from society , standing at 60% and 70% respectively. Rivalry, desire for material things are equally chosen by participants, both at 50%, which is slightly higher than peer pressure and money given by 45%. Coming next is feeling inadequate being cited by 32% of surveyed professionals together with envy/jealousy being quoted by 30%, showing a close difference of 2% between the two. Fear of failure comes last at 25%, making it the least selected factors among all.

Obviously overall, personal factors are the main incentives for asked people to accomplish success in their life.

Word count: 160

heothuimong wrote:Sao hông ai sửa giùm aqua dzậy? Đợi đến mùa hè, tui viết giỏi lên chút rùi tui review cho nghen. Giờ tui post questions, aqua nhớ phải viết bài chăm chỉ đó nha.

1. Đoạn mở đầu bài viết lặp lại câu hỏi -- Phần này yêu cầu phải rewording lại bằng cách dùng các cấu trúc song song hoặc từ đồng nghĩa, lặp lại câu hỏi như thế này không được đánh giá cao[/b]

bluebirdy wrote:Hi Aqua!

I don't know if this sounds helpful to you... but I am just trying to be of help...hope this will do....

The bar chart shows the result of a survey that was conducted among a group of young professionals aged 20-30 years to determine which factors motivate people to succeed.

Among the 11 factors cited, the ‘personal satisfaction’ and ‘ambition’ topped the list for which 80% of the respondents signified that these two factors motivated them to succeed. Followed at a close range are the ‘family pressure’ and the ‘pressure from society’ factors which comprised 60% and 70% of the respondents, respectively. 50% of the respondents indicated that both ‘rivalry’ and ‘desire for material’ are the factors that motivated them to succeed which only shows 5% higher than the factors ‘peer pressure’ and ‘money’ which were chosen by 45% of the respondents. Following next is the factor ‘feeling inadequate,’ being the choice of 32% of the respondents which has a close difference of only 2% from the factor ‘envy/jealousy’ as chosen by 30% of the respondents while only 25% of the respondents indicated the ‘failure’ factor.

In sum, the chart clearly illustrates that personal factors are the ultimate reason for people to succeed in life.

(180 words)